How to Not Overanalyze Relationships
Are these red flags or one-time issues?
I’m 34, and it’s been a long drive down a winding road, with potholes, and fog, and 6’3 tall animals crashing my car, on my journey to finding true love.
At this point, I’m practically a professional race car driver. I’m sharp as hell taking those turns spotting those f*ckboys! I'm better at recognizing red flags when they are waved.
And you know what? It feels empowering to have survived the crash course. I’ve learned so much, I’ve lived so much.
Why getting older
complicates things.
Studying love and human psychology has been a passion of mine my entire life. My bedside is filled to the brim with every critically acclaimed self-improvement and psychology book. I love growing and learning!
I’ve also worked in dating (for an app and as a matchmaker). But because of my miles traveled, I’ve also picked up a habit of overthinking, and applying everything I’ve learned at once.
Does getting older and smarter about love come with complications?
I was recently in a new-ish relationship and kept overanalyzing his actions. I found myself applying this relationship book, and this attachment theory, to this lesson learned from my ex with every fight. Was I self sabotaging our new love or was this relationship already broken?
As Carrie would say, I began to wonder…in our thirties is it possible to know TOO much about love?
Why exes really do haunt us forever:
From every failed first-date, to every micro-relationship lasting no more than two months (a modern day lifetime), we gather “facts” and learnings about love.
Little by little, we add an inventory of NO’s that won’t work for us in a relationship:
“I can’t be with someone that doesn’t like X.”
“I can’t be with someone that can’t communicate.”
“I can’t be with someone that lacks empathy.”
The list goes on. Are some frivolous or ass-inine?
Yes. But so are the jack-ass-es that made us cry buckets of tears, send countless screenshots, and have assloads of conversations of which we’ve wasted hours making empty conclusions with our closest co-workers and mothers.
We’re terrified of feeling the same heartbreak twice, so we mentally take note of each major lesson we’ve learned in a relationship, and apply it to the next chap that comes along in our next chap-ter.
The problem is, by the time we hit our thirties, our memory banks are so chock-full of love lessons, it feels impossible to navigate! Yeah yeah it’s an empowered feeling to be more confident knowing what we want, and what we don’t want.
Yet, I still find myself emotionally confused for how to apply my dating knowledge fairly to new suitors.
That is, how can I go into a new relationship with an open mind and heart?
With many of my past romances, I’ve been insecure about the present because of my ghosts of boyfriends past.
“If new boyfriend “Tom” reacts like this...maybe it means he’s going to do exactly what old boyfriend “Tim” did...and I just can’t emotionally handle that! ”
While unwinding from a stressful week of work and fighting with my *boyfriend over text in the bathtub, it occurred to me that I might be judging his every move against a relationship issue that’s already happened (with someone else)!
Could that be so? Am I really mad at current boyfriend because of what last boyfriend did? Or is my gut telling the truth…
If he doesn’t understand me...he lacks empathy like X! If he’s not using words of affirmation…I think he’s another avoidant! If he drinks a few weekdays in a row, he’s probably a party boy, and I’m 34 and over going out.
How can we stop our brains from spiraling so we don’t ruin the next relationship?
How to stop overthinking
I thought about this subject overanalyzed overthought obesessed for a few weeks and have concluded that you can handle any new dating woe in three steps. The key to figuring out a bump in your relationship is by looking at each circumstance and evaluating it as one or the other: is this a “moment” and one-off instance, or is this a longer-term issue?
If they do X once, and it’s not a deal breaker for you, be patient.
Communicate you were thrown off because it made you feel X way.
If it happens again, ask your gut if it’s going to be a pattern.
If it’s a pattern, it’s an LTI, which is actually a hell of a lot worse than a UTI…it’s a longer-term issue that can’t be fixed by going to a doctor.
Your gut is the most important barometer for measuring red-alerts. Are you constantly feeling anxious even after you’ve communicated your feelings? Maybe you’ve communicated your feelings twice, because the first time you weren’t so clear? If so, your years of studying love are probably being put to good use. LTI! LTI!
It’s also important to know your true values. You’ve earned the right and time 100 first dates to have them! If something is completely outside of your comfort zone, then you shouldn’t have to “be patient.”
If it’s a first-time event, and isn’t your dealbreaker, try to remember that jumping to conclusions can create other (and more catastrophic) issues. Time will work itself out.
summary:
It’s in our human nature to overanalyze, and we’ll continue to do so from time to time most likely forever. It’s a form of self preservation, and in small doses, it’s a great defense mechanism. However, before enough information has been gathered (i.e. you don't really know someone in 6 months to fully assume), it’s best to not quickly judge an entire situation when you can control it.
It's okay to un-graduate from our learnings and live in the moment as long as it's not compromising your worth.
I'm trying to remember:
No two people are the same (even though some feel like it).
Look inwards and figure out your dealbreakers - we’re all allowed to have them!
Use the lessons from boyfriends past to create a dialogue with them rather than jumping to conclusions.
As I get older, it’s wonderful to feel less blind spots when it comes to love.
I’m getting more comfortable knowing my dating preferences and can't wait to have less fender benders next time I fall in love.
My takeaway about overnalyzing a relationship problem is to be honest with yourself if you’re more unhappy than happy. If so, then you have to keep your eyes on the road and look for the right person that doesn’t keep reminding you of ghost stories.
*now ex