The Verge
the really hard part about being single in your thirties.
I re-wrote this 10 times.
I'm going to be honest, I didn't plan on writing about this, this week.
I wanted to be more lighthearted...should I talk about life in New York?
Would I share another fun dating story? I still have many to tell...
Or, should I write about something a little more realistic? Something that would hit home with maybe many of you. Something that happened this week.
I don't want this blog to comprise of fun rom-com stories and improbable dating scenarios that feel foreign to your own life. And more so, I don’t want to come across that I'm completely content and happy with mine.
If anyone I know says they are completely content with their life, or rather completely complacent, then I don't think they know what life experience, or rather "growth" is all about.
“This is a post for people that are tired of dating.”
This is a post for people that are tired of dating.
It's vulnerable commentary about how single thirty-something women really feel, and what we really talk about with one another.
What binds us together.
Not everyone will go on a date with a Popstar, and I'm sure not a single one will ever talk to me again.
But everyone, men and women, experience blissful moments of dating and the woes that come with them...and are left in this same spot I'm about to talk to you about. The Verge.
Maybe all of our romantic moments start on a different path, yet ironically, we all learn the exact same lessons.
These similar learnings bind us together because we go through the same themes at the end of the day (i.e. the hardships of long distance or "he's just not that into you"). Texting with a singer taught me that phone communication and distance is a major hurdle. Casually dating your dream guy is difficult if you've built him up in your head, and will only push him away.
I've included the word "Waves" in the name of my blog because self-actualization and growth derive from the ups we're lucky enough to have, and the crashes that come down to teach us.
After recently deciding to end things with a guy I liked, feeling a bit defeated and deleting some dating apps, I decided that the best kind of writing, and stories, come from the heart...or rather, the present.
“So, this week I decided to write about vulnerability, rejection, and the really hard part about being sometimes single when you’re 30.”
So, this week I decided to write about vulnerability, rejection, and the really hard part about being sometimes single when you're 30. Ehhemmm, 32.
The Verge. What is it?
As I constantly talk to many of my other late-twenty or thirty-something single friends, we all seem to be ON THE VERGE OF THE SAME THING.
Every day, our emotions change and life feels like we're riding a teeter-totter. In British slang, a "seesaw."
Part of us feels ON THE EDGE of being fully and utterly exhausted at the thought of love and have basically convinced ourselves that we're so over dating, and men, and texting, and analyzing, and wondering....that we cannot fathom going on one more date. We're tired of the heartbreak, we're tired of trying. Whether or not we broke up with them or visa versa, it feels the same.
We're giving it all up.
“I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! I’m exhausted! Where is he?”
The other side of this teeter-totter blissfully rides on the fact that we're strong, confident, AND happy-as-hell we haven't settled, and know that we could have by now if we really wanted to. We're getting to live a few extra years with freedom, for really, the first time in history. A decade of life has opened up in which we're able to dedicate it completely to ourselves because it's finally socially acceptable to get married at 35 instead of 25. I've said this a few times now, but literally, think about it.
And can I please mention, we're not posting Instagram pictures of babies on wrinkled blankets every month with a circled number near them - blind to the fact that people are sick of seeing these. Bless your hearts to friends that do do that, but I am ready for a new fad. Or just please iron the damn sheet.
It's fun to make your own money and spend it how you'd like, to travel (Cuba next month, yes please!), etc.
BUT, these empowering days are only part of the story. The first is very real.
When their you-know-what's aren't that impressive.
Alas, going back to the hanging off a cliff part. The first part of THE VERGE.
Failed dates and mini-relationships are all too common and constantly happen in cities like New York where guy’s careers are large, their egos even bigger, ghosting eventually happens almost 98 percent of the time, and their you-know-what's aren’t even 1⁄4 of the size to compensate for any of that behavior.
“But somehow they squeeze right in. Literally. (Sorry Mom). ”
But somehow they squeeze right in. Literally. (Sorry Mom).
This doesn’t just happen to the boring girls, the desperate girls. It happens to the most dynamic and gorgeous women I meet every day. Models, Advertising Executives, Women in Tech, Lawyers, Top Stylists from Harper's Bazaar. Fully amazing on the inside and out well-traveled, educated, extremely witty, enjoyable women that are fully capable of handling themselves in a city where the word HUSTLE is an understatement.
Even if we're the ones that do the "breaking up", we also feel at a strong loss for hope that we'll never find our counterparts.
You’re a F*cking unicorn.
This is a very interesting thought…
When we’re feeling on The Verge, the MAJORITY of pain that comes from the "defeat" in dating doesn't derive from a place of low self-confidence or worthiness.
Think about it, why are you realllyyyyy so upset?
Yes, maybe 30-something timelines will always be worrisome no matter how much I write that they aren’t. However, there’s a true and deep reason for why we're upset in the first place and actually comes from the opposite thought of “not being enough”.
It’s our high self-worth. We’re f*cking unicorns, and we know we don’t deserve this.
You're upset because you know you're worth it. What a fucking catch. Use this power and know that you love yourself and understand where this feeling of hurt comes from. It’s actually self-love.
While it maybe be the ego talking, we ARE the amazing woman described above and when these failed dates or mini-relationships come to an end, we know what we deserve.
It’s perfectly normal to get tired (some days) of having hopes crushed when it doesn't work out, again. But don’t we deserve another full package to meet our match?
First step to moving on.
Being honest with the situation is the first step to moving on. First, we have to get real with ourselves and stop making excuses for someone that doesn’t want to be in our lives.
If someone can’t handle your quirks, bay days, or understand our feelings and though process, how on earth are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives with them if they only lasted a few months or more? Case in point, if aren’t getting along early on…you won’t get along later on.
I really understand that it’s SO confusing when things end and we’re trying to make sense of it all. Maybe you’ve had that epically amazing date where you laughed like crazy, had a deep conversation, that weird thing in common, held hands and then and kiss under the stars or in the rain kinda night…blah blah..and then we text a few of our girlfriends wondering why it never turned into anything?
“A guy will do anything to get a girl that he wants. He’ll text, he’ll call, he’ll invite you out.”
We’ll screenshot the last text we sent and send it to our friends. After we’ve done enough coddling with each other, someone (the smart friend) will finally give it to us straight: “He’s Just Not That into You”.
My lovely friend Trendee King (yes, that's her amazing name) says, "A guy will do anything to get a girl that he wants. He’ll text, he’ll call, he’ll invite you out." She's 100 percent right.
Trendee, I get that we're supposed to be strong and "independent" enough by now to easily shrug off men when this happens.
"He wasn't that into me? Fine, I want someone that is...next!" This is how society tells us how we're supposed to act. Or how men think we should feel, "stop being SO dramatic."
It’s not that easy, I get it. But don't fret, there's one quote I constantly go to when I'm told the "HJNTIY phrase" that helps mend the heart and ego…
why rejection isn’t personal.
One of my favorite TED Talks sums up the solution to feeling rejected perfectly. Screenshot this. Learn it verbatim...
“Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it’s not. Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, and even social, are due to “fit” and circumstance. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessary but misleading.”
What search should we go on?
Finding our worth, not our deficiencies (especially in this sensitive time of teeter-tottering).
I’ve made the mistake (way too) many times where I let the second scenario get to me. If I was rejected, I’d be hard on myself and devastated that someone didn’t care to lose the “great” connection I thought we had.
Then I think back to the many men where I’ve probably done the same. Perhaps they had a completely rockstar night and I knew I wasn’t going to develop anything more than that one swipe right or drink(s) for the night. Fit and circumstance.
Also, think about all the different factors that helped lead you to this decision? You went through your “checklist” for long term goals, certain preferences, turn-on’s, etc. and it wasn’t a match.
They are not ever going to know or understand yours, and you won’t ever know or understand theirs.
the best reminder I’ve ever gotten.
My little brother, one of the wisest souls I've ever met (who’s like Yoda), sent me this text once that I read when I'm feeling on The Verge. I think it's a reminder for all of us:
"I know this may be frustrating and hurt for a while. But you’re not an unlovable person and you’re not going to be alone forever. You’re too persistent and outgoing and passionate about life. You have difficulties finding someone because you’re a rarity in this world. Most people aren’t as driven and as excited about building a great life as you. While it’s a wonderful thing to be who you are, finding someone like yourself is like trying to hit a moving target. Those people are also constantly on the go. That's a hard target to hit. The windows of opportunity to make connections with them are often very small or they may have similar personalities that vibe with yours very well, but they are just going in different directions or are on different points along their paths. Romance can be hard, but it’s still always going to be worth the pursuit. "
Again, another way of saying, life is about "the fit and circumstance."
What do you have to offer?
Will we always be on The Verge until one day, someday, something changes and the teeter-totter of love finally leans in our favor?
On the verge of #1? Control the controllable. If he wasn't the right one for you, make the right moves to open up your life to meeting a better match. Get excited at the thought YOU have the power to meet someone else.
If you were broken up with, accept that they weren’t that crazy about you for whatever their checklist entailed. That's a fact says Trendee King!
Your life paths were just moving in different directions, says Yoda. You shouldn't have to convince a person to be on yours.
With a city so bountiful of amazing women (described earlier), men SIMPLY get distracted. The ones that do, are not for you.
If you keep trying to date, it is an unbiased fact that all of us are capable and will go on other amazing dates with good-looking, engaging, and kind people. Even though our souls might be a little bit drained, take a week to shake it off, and try again.
Remember, life is impermanent.
one approach that will make dating easier.
Every single one of my girlfriends has said at one point... “I'm deleting the apps. I’m taking a break. I can’t do this another time.” Take a break. DO that until it feels right NOT do it.
Dating can be disheartening but there’s on approach that can make it easier…
It comes down to one theme: balance. Lower you expectations with each person you meet and put yourself out there, online and IRL. This is how you curate a perfect dating life. Keeping a rotation of meeting new people, while not putting too much pressure on finding “the one”.
I always say, “If you hate dating apps, you’re doing them wrong. If you want to learn better strategy for Dating App 101, check out my post on my biggest dating profile tips, how you should craft your profile, which two apps are my favorite, real-life funny stories, and my least favorite opening line.
Hopefully it’ll help you think differently about them.
That final pep in your step.
Remember your worth. Know we're ALL on this teeter totter together. Hopefully, reading this post made you realize that a lot of us feel the exact same about dating in our 30’s.
Need a final jolt of positivity? This ALWAYS helps with some self-love:
Stop reading for a second and list 5 things that you like about yourself outloud.
They don't have to be unique, you just have to be thankful you have them. Examples I've thought of if you're stuck:
I'm really fun. Can laugh with you in a hut on a beach, or a boring museum, or a 10-hour car ride
I'm a master of none when it comes to conversation - throw a topic at me I can't chat about
I'm very loyal
When I like something...love something, I literallyyyyy love it (think Chris Trager from Parks and Rec). I'm not indifferent to life or things
I appreciate the aesthetics in life...design, architecture, fashion but not to a vain or excessive degree
“These are 5 reasons why the “right person” is going to absolutely love the sh*t out of you. ”
It’s normal to feel On The Verge with dating, no matter the situation. You can choose to be stuck on the ground with #1 feeling defeated, or choose to be high on #2 with resilience.
Where do you want to sit?
