How To Tell If You're in Love
Here’s THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND BEING "IN LOVE" and the root of why people settle.
In the past 7 years I’ve lived in 4 cities, 6 houses, and have been on 75+ dates.
From those dates, I've casually dated 20-ish people. And by "dated", I mean we went on several dates or had a fling that lasted a few months. From that, I’ve had 5 serious boyfriends.
I've deeply cared for other people. I've said, "I love you" several times. I did love them. But why wasn't I "in love?"
Whilst currently single, this is supposed to be the opposite of a sad story. I've still had incredibly romantic moments.
Off the top of my head, one was a few years back. I was on a train with a boyfriend traveling through the Alps -- picturesquely sharing a wine and cheese platter. I remember being so "into" him that I couldn't help but physically sit on his lap and cuddle! We then listened to music sharing earbuds - blissfully like two lust-birds love birds staring out at the gorgeous Swiss landscape.
Looking back, I loved that moment and certain qualities he embodied, but the endorphins and the idyllic train ride played a large part of it. I could never get to the point of wanting to marry him.
After 7 years of dating ups and downs (waves if you will), I have spent countless years of not being "in love" without fully realizing it.
And it's all because I've been making one mistake over and over again. And if you’re a single person, you might identify with it…
How do I define being in love?
So what does being in love mean?
Love is the action after the sparks fade. It lies in the middle part of your relationship.
Why the middle? Because the beginning of a relationship derives mostly from lust. Lusting for the fairytale you've always wanted. And the end of a relationship is mostly based out of fear. Fear of the unknown, or starting over, and knowing in your gut that you’re fighting to make it happen. But fighting for something that isn’t right, isn’t real love.
“Love can only be described by specific mundane interactions when you press rewind to the middle part of your relationship. It’s usually the happiest and most vulnerable.”
The "middle part" of a relationship holds the COMFORTING and amazing memories you think about when looking back at someone you’ve truly loved.
The Sunday cuddles. The boring Monday night taco dinners. The fully vulnerable moments of peeing with the bathroom door open, sending that emotional message without being worried he won’t text back, texting three times in a row saying "helloooo?" when they're busy, telling a deep secret you would never tell anyone, and holding you when you're crying from a bad day at work because "you're just not fucking valued".
If you get what I mean.
My most powerful love.
I guess the last time I was truly in love was when I was a kid.
And by kid, I mean anything really under thirty because as you get older and look back on yourself before then, you blame your mistakes, your life decisions, and the ridiculous photos of your young love and say out loud, “God, we were just kids”.
Over the years, I’ve wondered if it was my young age and naivety or the actual person that made me fall so hard? Young love is special. You're not thinking about your biological clock, finances, or long-term compatibility, etc. You love blindly. You feel and do with full force.
Your head doesn’t get in the way so much.
When I think of being in love, I think back to those mornings when we first opened our sleepy eyes, and instantly smiled. It’s fairly blurry now, but I can still picture that face and feeling. I remember the slight pain I felt each day closing the door when I left for work. Afters years, I still felt excited driving home every day knowing I was about to see him. I’d walk in the door and jump in his arms à la dirty dancing each night. Yes, that was really our thing.
I loved that he was into samurai swords and didn’t brush his hair. I loved him with all of my heart. Our differences never made sense. He was introverted, I was the opposite. He wasn’t adventurous, I was. But I loved his spirit.
This is not to say the relationship was blissful. We fought like crazy. I was petty and overreacted about things that should have never been things.
I was an immature 24-year old that did not yet know how to properly treat my partner with kindness, and the exact same went for him. The end part of the relationship was miserable, and we did the right thing to part ways.
“Everyone has to learn about love by not having life work out the way we’ve planned.”
Everyone has to learn about love, or rather, any critical learning in life the same way - by not having life work out the way they’ve planned.
I didn't want to let him go, but I was too naive to understand that my actions were damaging. My young ego took a few years to develop, and it wasn't until I was in my late twenties that I fully accepted my part in the relationship and realized the difference between that “love” and other loves.
During those years, he married someone that probably had the qualities I was missing at the time — patience and easy-going-ness. The opposite of my feisty and passionate 24-year-old self.
The most critical dating Mistake.
There are things you can have in a relationship that deceive you in thinking it's "true love."
Example being… great communication! “We talk for hours,” you tell your best friend. (This one in particular always tricks me!)
Or HAHAHAHAHA our inside jokes. We have the cutest nicknames.
Or, we get along so well BECAUSE, "We had this amazing vacation together where we toured a gorgeous winery and the sex was amazing, blah blah."
For years I had been searching for things, not feelings.
Here's a good way to look at it:
“Things can be replaced with lots of people. Insert your trip with _____ in Hawaii. Insert witty nickname _____. What if you have yoga, travel, ____ and a favorite movie in common? is it meant to be?”
The BIG MISTAKE that I've been alluding to this entire time is... that we often search for love with our heads and not our hearts.
I have often used my brain and logic as a compass to stay in a relationship.
If they were highly educated, interesting, shared common interests, had drive, were sometimes sweet (this part I didn’t always pay attention to but should have), why wouldn’t we be a great match?! What if I got lucky and they had 10 amazing qualities I was looking for… should I stick around? Then the next guy would have 15. Maybe even 20, but I was still left confused for why I couldn’t “feel it”.
I wasn’t looking for the important qualities. Did they make me feel safe to open up? I guess not really. Was I often questioning myself in the relationship? Yes. Was I a better person when I was with them? No.
But, we had so many thingssssss that both of us wanted.
I fought for these relationships because they made sense, and I looked at our futures vs. noticing the present where I wasn't able to be the most vulnerable and best version of myself.
The underlying root of why people settle is because they walk around thinking and not feeling. As if, they’ve logically thought through their parter is the best option they’ll have…
Final thoughts.
After 20 semi-relationships and 5 boyfriends later, I’m finally realizing the key to love is feeling the feels not having the things. And I’m not talking about the superficial things, it was never about that.
It was about getting confused with the items on our checklists where we’re almost convinced the relationship is right because of shared values or similar lifestyles.
Distractions such as having similar interests with “that favorite movie in common” or “they also love to talk about X” will not lead us to happiness for the next 50 years.
And while I haven’t been truly in love like I was back then, I’m extremely grateful for my journey.
While love is one of the most beautiful experiences in life, I was able to fall in love with new cities, make friends that I love across the world, and love gathering stories so good - that I wanted to start this blog. I'm actually even more optimistic about love that I've gained a toolset of learnings from my 75+ dates to make a relationship that has that much love like when I was a kid, actually work. And I’ll never have to settle.
People ask me often, and even if they don't say it aloud, they might think it. Why am I single? Part of it is fate, and part of it is exactly everything I’m saying in this blog post…it’s worth waiting until your heart is more powerful than your head.
If you’re still single, perhaps you’re not taking into account how you really feel when you open your sleepy eyes and see them for the first time. Just shut your brain off, for just a second, and feel if it’s really there.
