6 Guys Tell Me the Real Reason Why They've Suddenly Stopped Talking to You.
Men from around the globe (including my friend's dad) tell me why you're not hearing back from them after a date.
Flaky dating behavior happens in almost every dating story and texting exchange I hear about these days. With my female AND male single friends, I seriously can't think of ONE person that hasn't experienced it this year. When it doesn't sound flaky, it's because the couple has decided to become, a couple. But the percentage of a first date transforming into a relationship has gotta be less than 10%?! So this post is for the 90% of what really happens.
While my last post was on a hilariously ironic topic about a guy ghosting me named Casper...I've received many messages from women around the country telling me how much they related to that story. So, I decided to dig deeper and ask men from around the globe (New York, Australia, Seattle, San Francisco) the real reason why they've acted flaky with someone.
observation: Lost in Translation
Texting with the opposite sex has become the new the "google translate" amongst your friends.
You're constantly wondering what language they're really speaking with their style, punctuation game, AND most often wondered, length of response time?
We get confusing text messages or mixed dating signals and usually resort to the most common form of therapy, sending over screenshots. Go ahead, pick your best friend and go to that little i button on your text chain, I bet you can find some.
Why is this constantly happening? And is it New York, or because we're living in 2018, or are we just more aware of it because there are a million new terms for crappy dating behavior: ghosting, orbiting, bread crumbing, etc.
I have two theories for why this happens and 6 real-life scenarios from men backing them up.
hypothesis 1: We need to stop listening to our Mother
There are two mistakes that perpetuate flaky dating behavior.
One, we think we're UNIQUE.
A friend of mine was talking to her colleague last week who had been dating a guy off and on (who's ghosted her twice already) and had just come around again. This friend sent her my article on the last flaky guy I dated. She loved it! And what did she do at the end of the workday? Made plans to see him soon. 🙈
Maybe she thought his excuses were genuine, but I'm telling you... work, being sick, travel schedules, "not being a texter", emotional unavailability, all fall under the same umbrella as "I'm keeping my options open, and you're not the main one." I've literally heard them all.
While our mother's tell us we're one in a million, when it comes to dating, you're just one of the 2 million women in the city experiencing the same thing. I've dated men from 10+ different countries, have lived in multiple urban cities, and while each "break up" is slightly different, they all have the same message at the end of the day.
hypothesis 2: You lose the control in the first place
The second dating error we make is giving them the power to choose if they're into into us or not.
By simply texting a friend, "What do you think they mean by this? When do I write back, or most importantly...Do you think he's into it?" puts all the cards in their hands not yours.
And mentally, maybe without realizing it, you're waiting for them to make the final decision on whether or not you'll date them.
I still make this mistake, and I know it's hard when you like someone. But if someone isn't communicating how you want them to communicate, and they aren't showing signs that they're "into you" or you're left confused, do you really want that type of person in your life?
Why aren't you deciding if "you're into it?" vs waiting or hoping to see if they are? You can also choose if it's what you want, and sometimes I think we forget that.
Like the phrase goes, "We accept the love we think we deserve". If you think you deserve to be sitting around analyzing whether or not a guy likes you, then there are bigger issues there.
experiment: Real men tell me why they ghost
Surprisingly, with my small sample size of 10, around 3 simply said they don't ghost, one ghosted me and didn't respond back, and six gave me thoughtful responses that I'm sharing with you (including my friend's Dad).
Every single, I repeat, every single response had the underlying theme of HJNTIY (he's just not that into you). You wouldn't be flaky and forget to text someone you were excited about. If you're on a trip, you send a picture. If you're busy with work, you find time at the end of the day or take a second for lunch. And if you just don't know what to say, you...
Guy that felt meh
"I've only ghosted once, and I still feel kinda bad about it. We made out on the second date and I decided during the make out that I wasn't going to pursue her. I then traveled for a week or so, and after coming back to the city, I felt 'meh' about it and thought it was easier to not have to deal with letting her know I wasn't interested."
Guy that thought it was easier
"Because I just wasn't into them, and it's easier to disappear than telling them that directly."
Guy that believes it's an issue of dating apps
"It’s complicated and there are several components to it, but from a high level: We’ve never had better access to a high quantity of people so readily. There’s no longer any perception of scarcity."
Guy that believes his mind is elsewhere
"Perhaps I'm just not that into you, or perhaps there are some other girls on the scene that I'm more interested in, or perhaps my ex is still hovering around and I'm thinking about heading back with them, or perhaps I actually can't be bothered dating right now and it's not high on my priority list."
Guy that only does if it's early on AND in NYC
"I think it comes down to two pretty simple reasons, the first being, I'm just not that into the other person. That's fairly obvious. The reason I take the ghost route is typically because the 'relationship' hasn't evolved to the point where ending it really deserves a conversation... It just feels weird to have that with someone you haven't spent much time with. Also, especially in NY, it feels really anonymous. What I mean by that is, it is very easy or easi-ER to just stop talking to someone when you will likely never ever run into that person or any of her friends again."
A FRIEND'S 60-year-old DAD
I guess it stands the test of time. A good friend was trying to explain ghosting to her Dad this week. He was like, "Isn’t that just like when you didn’t call someone back in the old days? Well then yeah, I ghosted a lot of women until I was like 34". She went on to explain that the internet makes it much worse but he just said it was the "Same story, different era."
final conclusion: What do we do next time this happens?
Real men have spoken. If someone isn't getting back to you, or you sense they're being flaky...it's because they don't want to see you or invest time getting to know you on a deeper level.
As one of the 6 wise men from above told me, there can be all sorts of reasons why someone isn't strongly pursuing you.
But if it happens, his best advice is:
"Just accept it. Tell yourself that you don't know what the reason is but you want someone who is excited to be around YOU and into YOU as much as you're into THEM. So move on."
If someone isn't making you happy or treating you how you deserve, then your next option is to get over them, not under.